Mom, I love you...

I wish I could talk to my mom right now.  It's 1 a.m. on Thursday night (or I guess Friday morning), and I am in Port Au Prince, Haiti.  My mind is spinning right now.  I think that I am going to start at the end of my day and go to back to the beginning.  I've probably already confused you and I'm only five sentences in.  Regardless, here it goes.  At about 7:45 p.m. tonight I was told to sit down and handed a cell phone.  I was immediately worried, but figured it was a solvable problem, something Haiti related.  As I put the phone up to my ear, I heard my mom's voice, "Sarah?"  "Mom?" I said, absolutely shocked to hear her specifically.  My heart sank.  I have been through a lot of tragedy in my lifetime.  Unfortunately enough so that I know every tone of my mother's voice and how serious things are by those tones.  In the next two seconds before she started explaining why she was calling Haiti, a million scenarios ran through my head.  Is something wrong with her?  My grandma?  My brother?  My dad? The list goes on.  "Honey, I'm sorry to have to call you and this is going to come as a shock to you," she explained that my cousin had died unexpectedly.  And shocked was an understatement.  My cousin, Tara, was much older than me but far too young to be taken from this world (in her 40's).  Her daughter, Jenna, is a couple years younger than I am.  We were extremely close growing up even though they lived in Ohio.  I took my first flight alone in 5th grade to go out and visit Jenna, and I paid for it myself!  I am devastated over the loss of Tara.  And I can't even begin to wrap my heart and mind around what Jenna and my aunt and uncle are going through right now.  Over the last several months, after a few losses very close to my heart due to illness, I've often contemplated whether it's better to suffer and know that your time on Earth will be cut short, or if it's better to not know it's coming.  I don't know the answer.

It's is now Friday night, and I am reflecting more and more on things that crossed my path yesterday.  For those of you that don't know, this is my second trip to Haiti.  My first trip was in February and I am back again, as a leader this time.  On Thursday, I went to the Wound Clinic in San Fil with the sisters (nuns) from the home for the sick and dying children.  Three times a week the sisters give free medical care to anyone that needs a bandage changed, medication for pain, or small procedures that they can do on site.    Myself, Dan, and Eric all volunteered to go help at the Wound Clinic, it's definitely not for those with sensitive stomachs.  We took the small white van from the home for the sick and dying children along with about 5 sisters and 3 other missionaries.  The ride to our destination was absolute craziness.  We went down the main market street, the span of probably a half mile must have taken us at least a half an hour.  I've never seen so many people on one street before.  We found ourselves head on with another truck coming from the opposite direction several times with no where to go.  I honestly don't know how we made it through.  The sisters were praying their Hail Mary's and Our Father's and I as well was praising God that I had Eric and Dan with me.  We finally got to our destination.

I knew that I was going to be seeing open wounds but I couldn't have prepared myself for what I saw.  Thursday is their slow day, and there was probably around 50 people needing major medical attention.  Eric and I worked as a team, cleaning out wounds and replacing bandages.  The wounds, they would take your breath away.  Some of them were so deep you could almost see bone.  And the majority were very large, about the size of a very large man's hand.  They were pure, raw, open flesh.  The first man we worked on had an extremely swollen calf, and foot and a very large open wound.  The sister said that the wound was due to bad circulation.  It was very sad, because they said that the wound will likely never heal.  We saw a lot of people in similar situations, people of all ages.  It was heartbreaking.

At the Wound Clinic in San Fil

But after the line was done there was still a woman on the operation table in the clinic.  Half of her breast was missing.  Again, it was pure, raw, open flesh.  The sister spent a long time cleaning and re-bandaging her.  She received some pain medication and was on her way.  I asked the sister after she left what the wound was from.  She said that it was breast cancer.  She said that the cancer was eating away at her breast but there wasn't much they could do for her.  I sat stunned.  I can't even imagine what it must be like for that woman.  Knowing that a cancer is attacking her body and there was nothing she could do about it.  It really made me think a lot about my mom, and how blessed we are that she has the option to fight this.  Even though we all complain about our healthcare and insurance companies in the United States we are so much better off than most.  It's not that I didn't know that, but it really hits home when you see it first hand.  People in Haiti get breast cancer.  That thought never really crossed my mind.  When I decided to do the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure I starting doing a lot of research on the organization.  It is incredible what they have accomplished over the last 29 years.  I think the thing that amazes me the most is that so many advances have been made in breast cancer because of people with generous hearts.  Because some people believe that their small donation can make a difference, will make a difference, and want to make a difference.  In addition to funding research and outreach projects domestically, Komen has provided more than $27 million in funding for international breast cancer research and more than $17 million for international community education and outreach programs.  It feels so good to help in a very small way.  It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Mother Teresa, "If you can't feed a hundred, feed one."  None of us are going to change the world entirely on our own, but if we all do a little and chip away at it, we WILL make a difference.


Tomorrow is my last day in Haiti.  I will be flying to Miami on Monday morning and driving to Jensen Beach in Florida where my Aunt and Uncle live.  My cousin Jenna wrote on her Facebook wall after she found out that her mom had passed away, "Everyone I know....call your mothers and tell them you love them."  I did get to talk to my mom over the phone on Friday before her chemotherapy, and tell her how much I love her, which is such a blessing.  The first thing I will do when I get into the United States is turn on my phone and call my mom....and of course, tell her I love her.

PLEASE CONSIDER DONATING to the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure.  I will be walking 60 miles in 3 days in honor of my mom, my grandma, my cousin, and all the people of this world that are fighting this awful disease.


www.the3day.org/goto/sarahfrakes <----CLICK TO DONATE


GOD BLESS!
Sarah

God's Work

Our team at 2:45 am at MSP International Airport

I couldn’t be more excited to be on my way back to Haiti.  I have such a special place in my heart for both Haiti, and the Haitian people.  Almost exactly five months ago I was on my way for the very first time.  It’s crazy to me how much in my life has changed since then.  Last time I was on my way to Haiti I had no idea the challenges that were to come.  Looking back it is so easy to see how closely God was making moves in my life. 

Last February, I was on my way to Haiti, for the very first time through Healing Haiti.  Healing Haiti was started by a couple from my church (Eagle Brook) in 2006.  After going on a mission trip Jeff Gacek and Alyn Shannon decided to dedicate their lives to the small country of Haiti, so close to the United States, yet so far away in terms of development in every sense of the word.  Haiti needed help.  Badly.  Jeff and Alyn answered the call put on their hearts and sold their businesses off one by one.  Healing Haiti became a non-profit that works to help the impoverished people of Haiti with a focus on children and families.

I was so very fortunate to be lead on my first trip down by Tom and Shelley Gacek.  Tom is Jeff’s brother.  I knew before we had left that Alyn had lost her two year battle to breast cancer, I remember when they announced it in church.  It hit me hard, knowing that I was going down to Haiti through this wonderful program that was Alyn’s dream.  I went to Haiti knowing how the world just lost an angel on Earth and heaven got a bit more crowded.  I can very much picture in my head the first time I walked into the guesthouse, how Alyn was all over this place.  The colors she loved; purple, green, blue, all bright and cheery colors.  Immediately as I entered the guesthouse for the first time I was drawn straight ahead to a little table with a bunch of cards with Alyn’s picture, and bookmarks made in her memory.  I distinctly remember taking time to look at these and being devastated for her family, thinking how terribly horrible it must be to have seen her in so much pain and lose her so early.  Several times on the trip I found myself asking Tom or Shelley about Alyn and her breast cancer, and her dreams for Haiti.  It really was a week where Alyn was constantly on my mind.  And breast cancer was a big part of it.

I returned from Haiti expecting to see my dad waiting for me at the airport.  My dad has always loved picking me up from the airport.  I remember turning on my phone as soon as we landed and seeing a text message from my dad saying that my brother would be there.  I knew something was wrong immediately.  I walked through the door of my parents house and my mom was on the couch.  She seemed a little under the weather, like she had a cold or something.  We started chatting about Haiti when she reached her hand up to adjust her sweater and I saw a hospital band on her wrist.  "What is that?" I asked immediately.  "Oh, nothing," she replied, trying to change the subject.  I wasn't letting her off the hook that easy.  She had to tell me and went on to say that she had a biopsy on her breast and that we were waiting for the results.  I was felt my stomach drop, but I also felt like there was no way she would have breast cancer.  Three days later, March 3rd, I was at my Haiti teammate's house for a reunion dinner.  Keep in mind that we had only been back in the United States for 3 days and already found ourselves craving each other's company.  We were all having trouble assimilating back to our normal lives and everything that includes after our experiences in Haiti.  We wanted to be around our new Haitian family that knew exactly what we were each going through.  I knew that the results from my mom's biopsy could be back that day.  Just as we were all about to leave Lisa's, my mom called me and asked if I was coming home soon.  And that's when I knew.  The tone of her voice and the call said it all.  My mom had breast cancer.

Devastation begins.  Coming back from Haiti and finding out even the possibility of breast cancer in the same night was crippling.  But hearing the actual words that the results were positive was an absolute wrecking ball to my heart and soul.  I had already been wrecked in Haiti.  I saw people in conditions that we, as human beings, should never allow to happen to each other.  I was a shell of myself that was already crumbled to the core.  But just when you think things can't get worse, they do.  A few more wrecking balls knocked me down and I was nothing but dust in the dirt.

As I sit in Haiti now, almost 5 months later, you wouldn't believe the amount of rebuilding that has been done in me.  My relationship with God is at a level that is indescribable to me 5 months ago.  I've always had a strong relationship and belief in God.  But, I had no idea that I could feel the way I do now.  And yes, I am again in a place (Haiti) that will wreck me again.  It will wreck me to a point worse than my first trip.  I guarantee it.  And yes, my mom still has breast cancer.  She is just about wrapping up her first round of chemotherapy but the road ahead is long and hard.  But I have so much to be thankful for.

As I walked into the guesthouse today, I again, immediately walked to the small table with all of the reminders of Alyn and spend some time there reflecting and praying. This trip is extra difficult for me emotionally.  It was very tough to leave my mom, knowing that I would miss one of her chemo sessions and wouldn't be around for 8 days.  But I know that this is all a part of His plan.  I now I am right where I need to be.  As Alyn always asked herself, and as the bookmarks in her memory (see picture) remind us, "What is God trying to teach me?"  I am figuring that out slowly but surely.  As of right now I know that God is teaching me that my relationship with him has to be my first priority.  And after that, I will never choose anything over my mom, over my family.  Nothing.  On the back of the bookmark is one of Alyn's favorite quotes by John Wesley.  It says:

"Do all the good you can,

 by all the means you can,

 and in all the WAYS you can,

 in all the places you can,

 at all the times you can,

 to all the PEOPLE you can,

 as long as you ever can."

I think that this is another example of what God is trying to teach me.  And I am trying to do just that.

Tonight our team made cross necklaces to wear out tomorrow and give to the children while we deliver clean water to the slums of Cite Soleil.  I made a pink cross, for breast cancer, to wear in honor of my mom and Alyn's memory as well.  

Breast Cancer Cross and Alyn's Bookmarks

Sending lots and lots of love from Haiti,

Sarah

P.S. - Please don't forget about my fight for breast cancer while I am here in Haiti! I have a long way to go to reach my new $15,000 goal!!!  If you can help with even $1 please visit my Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure page below. THANK YOU!!!

www.the3day,org/goto/sarahfrakes

P.P.S. - If you would like to follow our entire team and see what we are up to in Haiti, please visit the link below.

http://www.healinghaiti-eaglebrookchurch.blogspot.com/

It's Been Awhile....

The Cancer Care Center waiting room

It's 9:30 in the morning and I am sitting at the Cancer Care Center at St. John's Hospital.  It's Friday, chemo day. On on a normal day my mom goes to work at the hospital extremely early for meetings and such before I meet her for her chemo between 9 and 10 am.  Today, because she was feeling very tired, I decided to drive her into work myself and just wait in the waiting room until her appointment.  It's the first time I've had the chance to observe the waiting room, to really take in what goes on around here.  Immediately my eyes are drawn across the room to a couple in their 60's. They are sitting on one of the benches in the waiting room, the husband with his arm tightly around his wife, her hand on his knee as she rests her body on his for support. (I'm writing this as I watch!)  They are laughing, staring into each other's eyes and even share a little kiss.  So sweet!  My eyes drift to another woman in her 60's, alongside her is her mother, probably in her 90's.  The daughter so lovingly gets her mom coffee, takes her book out for her and they chat about trivial things waiting for their appointment.  She was doing little small simple things for her mom, but it is the little things, right? I can feel the love between them!  It was one of those moments where your insides smile.  Do you know what I mean? There was so much love in this waiting room this morning, what a blessing I came early!

Women's Day article

The room started to clear out so I picked up a Woman's Day magazine from March.  I opened it up somewhere towards the beginning, right to the page titled, "tender loving care, one family, three perspectives on what it's like when someone you love is chronically ill."  What are the chances.  Well, I better read this I thought to myself. someone wants me to.  The story was about three generations of women and how caregiving for the grandmother, who was ill, affected all of their lives equally.  My favorite part was the daughters account, she essentially gave up life as she knew it to care for her mother but found that it was exactly where she needed and wanted to be, "As the years go by; I am more and more convinced that I have been at the right place in the right time doing the right thing.  How often in life do we get to acknowledge that?...I have been stepping in my mother's sun, absorbing all the light I can," she says.  I LOVE THAT.  I think I love it so much because it hits so close to home for me.  My mom, and my grandma, are my light and she said it so perfectly, I just want to absorb all the light I can.  When it comes to caring for others, most importantly our family, my mom has been the greatest example I could have every dreamed of.  For as long as I can remember, my mom has been the first to jump and make a trip to Duluth anytime my Grandma or Grandpa had an appointment or something happened, on a moments notice.  It's one of my favorite, of her many amazing qualities, putting everyone else first always.  The magazine article was just so fitting for my life today.  There are so many little things like this that have been happening to me for quite some time.  At first I played them off as little coincidences... after so many of these kinds of things, I now know better, and give the credit straight to God.  God is so good.

My mom and I are now sitting in her chemo room, it's kind of weird, we've been here so much that it begins to feel like home around here and most of the time we really enjoy our time there.  We just got done with a really good belly laugh.  She just randomly turned to me and said, "I told Grandma, that sometime this summer I'm going to take her up the Shore and we're going to stop at any gift shop we want!" Well that's something that we all three have in common, my Grandma, my Mom and I cannot pass up a good gift shop!  This is just another example of my mom's amazingly wonderful personality.  She always turns to me and states completely random things that make me gut laugh.  The conversation turned to how I've always loved to buy things. We got the biggest laugh after she told me, what she says, is one of her favorite stories.  I guess I was 4 or so and we were in a long line at the grocery store.  We got up to the line and I said, "Please, mom, let me buy the bread, please mom, please!  I really want to buy the bread."  The bread? Why does my 4 year old want to buy the bread my mom asked herself.  She tried to tell me that I didn't need to buy the bread, that she could definitely afford to buy the bread, she said laughing.  I guess I begged and begged her while starting to put my change on the grocery belt and even the clerk said,"just let her buy the bread."  So I bought the bread with my allowance and saved my mom a dollar off her her $100 grocery bill with a big smile on my face.  Too funny.   My Aunt Kathy just got here and my mom told the story again, laughing even harder this time.  There is no better sound to me in the world than hearing my mom (and my grandma) laugh.  I'm glad it was at my expense too ;)

My mom's spirits are high and her attitude is great, which is so important.  However, the side effects of the chemo are becoming too much.  Last week we went through the problem of not knowing if her chemo was available because there was a shortage (she got it), and now this week they decided to give her a week off of one of her chemo's because of all the side affects.  I pray that was the right decision.  She has just been too exhausted, nauseous and having a lot of neuropathies, which is essentially numbness in her hands and feet.  We are going to assess how she is over the next week and take it from there.  But she is now on the home stretch for her first round of chemo!!  Up next is surgery and then more chemo.  The great news is that next Friday could be her last treatment for awhile, but it is going to be really hard for me.  It will be the first chemo I have to miss.  I will be leading a group down to Haiti on a mission trip.  I know that my Aunt Kathy will be there but it still is hard.  She always has visitors too, which is so nice.  Two chemo's ago my mom's friend Cheryl came to visit.  She is a breast cancer survivor and such a great friend to my mom, helping and talking her through all of this.  That was also the day I played the Reverie Harp for my mom to relax her... haha, lets just say it wasn't likely the best music she's ever heard, but she claimed to like it.

Playing the Reverie Harp

Cheryl and my mom

As for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure, it is now under a month away!!!! THANKS to all of you,  my extremely generous family and friends, I am now the #1 individual fundraiser for the Twin Cities walk!!!  I wish all of you could have felt my heart beat with joy the night it happened, it was such an incredible feeling.  So thank you for that.  It was the best I've felt in a long time, knowing that all this money will truly help and affect so many for the better, and hopefully one day lead to a cure.  I am currently a little over $9,000.  Our team is doing fabulous, we are just under $16,000 with a couple thousand that has yet to go through officially.  I dream of a world with no breast cancer, I pray to God that this will happen in my lifetime.  So if you are reading this and you haven't donated, please consider doing so.  Every single dollar helps.  I am serious, and I am thrilled with every single donation, no matter how big or small.  If you guys only saw the look on my face when I get an email stating a donation came through.  I light up inside and so does my mom.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE!!!

So the training continues, I'm thinking I've walked somewhere around 300 miles so far...Gracie is my main walking partner, I think she's more ready for the race than anyone else!! She's walked up to 17 miles with me in one walk! Not bad for a 4 pounder ;)  All in her pink harness and breast cancer ribbons.

Walking around Lake of the Isles

I will be at the White Bear Lake Cub Foods starting at 11am tomorrow, Saturday, July 23rd giving away bracelets and necklaces (from Patina!) for donations!  Hopefully we'll raise a lot of money and have a little fun.

Please feel free to "share" my blog on Facebook or invite followers...you can also put the link to my 3-Day page on Facebook or email it to family and friends...all in the name of ending breast cancer forever.

www.the3day.org/goto/sarahfrakes

www.therackonteurs.blogspot.com


THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!

4 Days and Counting!

Is it Friday yet?  Now usually on a Monday night I am not counting down the days until Friday. If you've been following my new blog, and I hope you have been (sign up as a follower already, please!?!?), you know that our Fridays are usually spent at the hospital for my mom's chemotherapy sessions.  But this week is much different.  THIS Friday, we welcome family and friends to spend the evening together raising money for breast cancer in my mom's honor.  

Click to Enlarge

I am so excited for this party!  I really want to give you many to reasons to come and show your support...so I've created a TOP TEN REASONS TO SUPPORT The RACKonteurs.....

10.  Five of us, The RACKonteurs (Sarah, Matt, Michael, Laura, and Courtney), are walking 60 miles over three days for the Susan G. Komen 3-day for the Cure.  That's over 300 miles combined!!!  Are you even a little bit impressed with that?!?  www.the3day.org/goto/rackonteurs  

9.  The stakes are just plain enormous.  In the United States, more than 200,000 women and men will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year alone.  More than 40,000 will die.  Around the world, more than 1.3 million new breast cancer cases will be diagnosed this year, and almost 460,000 will die.  Every 69 seconds, somewhere in the world, a woman dies from breast cancer - the most prevalent cancer among women today.  These numbers are, quite simply, unacceptable.

8.  You can finally knock skydiving off your bucket list.  If you're brave enough, bid on a tandem skydive with Skydive Superior!

Backstrom Signed Jersey

7.  Nicklas Backstrom, Justin Morneau, Denard Span, Ron Gardenhire, Cobi Jones and their friends will be there.  Ok, so that's not true.  But their stuff will be there and it could be yours!  (Our silent auction is packed with sports memorabilia!) 

View from Seats

6.  A chance to sit in the best seats at Target Field.  The Champions Club is as good as it gets.  Imagine not having to deal with traffic or parking, being able to pull right into the valet, only steps from the stadium (even players will walk further to the door than you).  Within seconds you'll be in the company of the Twins World Series trophies and all the food you can eat.  From Prime Rib to hot dogs, they have it all.  Watch the players in their batting cages pre-game and help yourself to the dessert bar (unlimited soft serve, my favorite)!  Did I mention that the food, beer and wine are complimentary throughout the game? Oh, and that they'll serve you at your seat? If it gets cold they'll bring you blankets, if it rains, they'll bring you ponchos...you get the idea, all to your lazy boy behind home plate.  Trust me, you'll never want to leave.  

5.  Score some amazing Budweiser swag in the silent auction...We've got a Budweiser Kayak, a Michelob Ultra Hybrid Mountain Bike, and a Budweiser iPod Speaker Tower up for grabs.  

4.  100% of the donations benefit the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure.  Virtually every major advance in the fight against breast cancer in the last 29 years has been impacted by a Susan G. Komen for the Cure® grant.  This amazes me.  That means people like you and I, who open our hearts and our wallets, have touched the lives of those diagnosed and suffering from breast cancer in tangible ways.

3.  FREE BEER!  FREE FOOD!  Sure you'll donate $12 at the door for breast cancer, but after that, it's all the food and beer you can handle.

2.   The City Cycle will be there!  Not only will you have the opportunity to take the newest and greatest pedal powered party on wheels for a spin around St. Paul, but you'll have the chance to win a 2-hour City Cycle Tour for you and 13 of your friends!

The City Cycle, by Caztek Engineering (My brother built this!)

And the number one reason to show up to The RACKonteurs breast cancer fundraiser....

1.  To lift my mom's spirits.  Almost four months ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It's been a very difficult four months to say the least.  This week she'll receive her 7th chemotherapy treatment with a long road ahead.  But together, we can make a difference, in her life and every woman (or man) that faces this.  We can give her hugs and words of encouragement, all while raising money so that someday, we will live in a world where breast cancer ceases to exist.  I can't wait for that day...or for Friday ;)

"This Woman's Work"

I woke up this morning with a full days work ahead getting ready for our breast cancer fundraiser, or as I call it, my mom's party.  At 8 am I started writing emails, calling people, running errands, basically getting as much in line as I possibly could.  A full 16 hours later and I am not finished yet.  The Cliffs Notes version goes like this....I picked up donations, sought out more donations, worked on food and beverages (thanks for your help, Michael), worked on signs (Kater, I love you), made runs to both Sam's Club and Costco (Dad, you couldn't be more help), and started my project of making hundreds of little breast cancer ribbons.  And that's just a quarter of it.  I am exhausted right now.  But this woman's work is over for the night.

My mom and dad dancing

As I was just about to go to bed, I decided to watch a link my friend Jess left me on Facebook.  Within a couple seconds I could tell it was a clip from my parent's favorite show, So You Think You Can Dance.  Melissa, the female dancer, explains how their dance for the night is about breast cancer.  Immediately I felt goose bumps cover my arms.  I would never call myself an expert on dance, but I am on my way to becoming much more knowledgable than I ever wanted to be on breast cancer.  And this dance nailed it.  I honestly felt like I was watching my mom and dad in this dance (they love to dance).  Now, don't get me wrong, my mom and dad don't dance like Melissa and Ade (sorry guys), but I could see so much of their story, our story, in this dance.  The first part of the dance, I can so easily picture my mom on the ground, stunned by her diagnosis, "How could this be?"  I think we all had that moment on the ground.  My dad picks her up and holds onto her as they go through the whirlwind of deciding on a treatment plan.  It was more like a tornado for us at this point in her cancer story.  They fight together, through surgeries, through different opinions from Oncologists and surgeons, appointment after appointment, phone call after phone call.  Together they make the most difficult of decisions.  She falls again, but he picks her up.  The song in the background sings....

Pray God you can cope, 

I'll stand outside, 

This woman's work, 

This woman's worth.

I know you've got a little life in you yet,

I know you've got a lot of strength left,

I know you've got a little life in you yet,

I know you've got a lot of strength left,

Give me your hand.

I should be crying but I just can't let it show,

I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking,

All the things I should've given but I didn't,

Oh, darling make it go,

Just make it go away...

The dance continues.  Together they go through the ups and downs, both struggling to deal and make sense of it all, but again, he lifts her up when she is down.  Individually, as well, they battle in a time of crisis, the reality is so hard to face.  The dance ends with Melissa on Ade's shoulder, linked together, Melissa higher than she could ever stand alone.  I pray to God every minute, of everyday, that this is the way my mom's dance ends, with her lifted higher than she ever was, and my dad right by her side.

The title of the song, This Woman's Work, really put things in perspective for me tonight.  I had a long, busy day, but the work paled in comparison to the work my mom has in front of her.  Everything she faces on a daily basis now is so much more work than it used to be.  Not only does she have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of being a cancer survivor (a person is considered a survivor the minute they are diagnosed), but every task, small or big, takes much more effort, from a weaker mind and body.  So tonight, I go to bed as I always do, thanking God for the abundant blessings He has given me, especially the strength of my mom, the strength of my parents.  She will survive.

Not my mom's favorite picture, but it's one of mine.
Better to ask for forgiveness than permission!

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." - Vivian Greene

Fridays

My mom in her chemo room

Friday's have always been a good day of the week.  And thanks to my mom's positivity, they continue to be, even through cancer and chemotherapy.  This past Friday marked the fifth week of chemo for my mom.  Our Friday's are beginning to be pretty routine now.  My mom usually wakes up insanely early to attend a work meeting at St. John's Hospital (yes, she is trying to still work).  At about 10:00 am I meet her at the Healtheast Breast Care Center, which is about 15 feet across the hall from the inpatient pharmacy where she works.  I walk into her chemo room and she is usually already sitting in her heated, massaging, recliner with a big smile on her face.  Immediately she cracks me up by saying, "It's just another day at the spa!"  I am always amazed at how upbeat and positive she is, I admire her so much for her strength.  Crazy enough, some days it really does feel like a day at the spa in the chemo unit.   They spare no expense at making everyone feel at home and as comfortable as possible, you have no idea how far the little things go here.  Carole, a retired nurse my mom used to work with, who now volunteers, greets us with warmed blankets and offers us coffee, tea, orange juice, you name it.  There is even a plate of donuts and bananas.  We love Carole, she is like the Godmother of the chemo unit.  Right behind her is my mom's nurse, Terri.  In a short time my mom is done with her labs and onto her pre-drugs to help her with the effects of the chemo.  For the next four hours or so there is a plethora of options of things to do.  She can watch a movie (there are hundreds to choose from), listen to an ipod the hospital has preloaded with all kinds of music, or just relax.  During weeks 3 and 4 my mom received a special treat, a visit from her friend Jamie.  Jamie is the Healing Arts Program Coordinator at St. John's and spent an hour or so with her each time.  The first thing she did was use some essential oils (Frankincense) to relax her and boost her immune system.  She asked my mom to think good, positive thoughts while playing soothing music along with very light touch, mostly at the joints to completed the experience.  When I asked Jamie exactly what she was doing she explained she was channeling and redistributing my mom's energy.  My mom says that a visit from Jamie is such a treat, she always feels so relaxed and de-stressed after.  She even said she could feel a difference in her joints.  That was all I needed, I was convinced.  I wish Jamie could be there every week.

Jamie relaxing my mom

Every week, however, my mom's nurse Terri is there to brighten our day.  I can't say enough wonderful things about her.  She is always so attentive to my mom and I feel so blessed to have her caring for her.  We can really tell that she loves her job and I really hope she knows what a difference she makes in the whole chemo experience.  All the nurses and volunteers are angels on Earth to say the least.  I hope to pay it forward and volunteer there as soon as my mom is cancer free!  I can't wait for that day.

Terry and my mom

There are definite benefits to receiving chemotherapy at your place of work.  My mom receives visits every week from her co-workers and friends at the hospital.  She perks up with each and every visit.  It is so amazing to feel, not just see, how much people care and are routing for her.  Her best friend Pam (another clinical pharmacist) stops by every week for a visit to check on us, and we usually see another great friend Diane as well.  I thank God every night for the amazing support system my mom has through her friends at work.  And after 30+ years of working together, they have become a family as well.  Just this last week, Diane brought my mom a gift of two journals, one for her and one for me, so we can journal our thoughts about this whole process.  It meant so much to the both of us.  She gave my mom a card that read, "There are times along life's journey that can test the spirit deeply...And though this is one of those times, may you never stop believing that your faith, your inner strength, and the power of God's love will carry you through."  I don't think that Diane could have found a better card.  Along with the card was the most heartfelt note that brought tears to my eyes.  Diane ended the card saying "I am always in your corner and you are in my prayers.  You are a very strong person and will win this battle," signed, Love Di.  I can barely write about this without crying.  All of these things feed her soul.

Friends and family are always asking me, "how is your mom doing?"  I never really know what to say.  I don't think that my mom could be handling it any better to be honest.  She still laughs and smiles and never, ever complains.  But I can definitely tell that it is taking a huge toll on her physically.  She gets extremely tired and weak, and often is nauseous and you know what comes along with that (I won't go into all the side effects).  I think the hardest part for her so far is losing her hair.  It is such a horrible effect of the chemo and I wish I could lose my hair a thousand times over for her.  I feel a literal sharp pain in my heart every time I see her touching her head, realizing more is gone.  She is usually feeling pretty bad after chemo for at least a few days.  It's great to see her get in a couple good days before it's Friday again.  I never could have prepared myself for how painful it would be for her, both physically and mentally.  My mom is so strong, just like my grandpa (her father).  My grandpa died of cancer, and my mom was always so amazed (and talked about often) by how strong he was, never complaining or feeling sorry for himself.  She hasn't told me this but I believe she thinks about that a lot.  My grandpa would be so humbled by her strength and I know he is looking down from heaven smiling, knowing that God's plan is bigger than ours, but that she WILL win this battle.

A friend of mine gave me this Bible verse to give me strength, I read it often and gives me a sense of hope that nothing but the words of the greatest healer can.  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

I can't thank all of you enough for your continued donations.  In the past six days since I last posted we've raised another $1,500 for breast cancer, bringing our team to over $4,500.  Every donation, no matter how much, lifts us up to heights I never thought were possible.  We still have a long way to go, but I have no doubt in my mind that we will get there....thanks to all of you.

God Bless, 

Sarah

Blown Away...

I wish I could describe my feelings better, I've never been good at it.  I wish I could explain the way my heart sank into my chest after asking my mom for the results of her biopsy, it was dead silence on the other end of the line.  I know deep pain, but to know the kind of pain every part of you feels when your mom has cancer, is a pain like no other.  I couldn't breathe.  I swear my heart actually stopped beating.

If you don't know my mom, her name is Julie.  She is a clinical pharmacist at St. John's Hospital in Maplewood, Minnesota.  She has worked there for 36+ years.  To say she is extremely smart is an understatement.  When we were growing up, dinner table conversations consisted of the most detailed conversations about drug therapies, pharmaceutical care etc., with my dad who is also a pharmacist (any of the three of us kids can speak pharmacist like a pro).  However, all the book smarts in the world can't hide one of my mom's most endearing qualities, her ability to make us all die laughing by saying some of the most ridiculously silly comments.  I find myself shaking my head and thinking, "Really, mom?" close to as many times as I am amazed by her intelligence and ability to soak up new information about her field continuously.  She is just plain funny.  My mom is the hardest worker you'll find.  Sometimes you just might not find her because she is still working.  But again, it's all part of what makes me admire her so much.  She is as kind and caring as they come.  Always willing to give up her wants and needs to put someone else's first.  My mom likes to read, garden, watch HGTV, and browse through gift shops.  She loves to travel and spend time with our family.

My mom has breast cancer.  It's been three months and it's still hard to believe.  The first two months were the toughest two months of my life to date.  I spent my days in a war against my tears, sometimes I would fight and sometimes I would let them win.  There wasn't a minute when the fact that she was sick left my head, not one split second.  It didn't help that we ran into every roadblock possible trying to figure out the best treatment plan for her.  It was unbelievably consuming for all of us.  What if we aren't being aggressive enough?  What if we are being too aggressive?  What if she doesn't respond?  The "what ifs" were a new feeling for me and my siblings.  Growing up our parents always had the answers to any medical scenario that came up.  This time it was different.  After going to St. John's, the U of M, and the Mayo Clinic we finally came to a consensus among the doctors and treatment was set to begin.

Again, it's so hard to describe my feelings.  I was overwhelmed to say the least.  Cancer wasn't only invading my mom's body, but it was invading mine.  I was letting it get the best of my mind, my emotions, my soul.  That is until I decided to wage my own war.  You know, it used to be so hard for me to believe that I could personally make a difference.  I am only in the first battle of my war against breast cancer, but I already feel like I've won to a certain extent.  Myself, my brother, and three of my best friends have raised almost $3,000 already for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure.  Making the decision to walk 60-miles in 3 days to raise money, awareness, and most importantly my mom's spirits was the best thing I could think of to help my mom and my family through this difficult time.  And it's working.

I said before that I was overwhelmed.  I've never been so overwhelmed in my life.  But the overwhelming feeling that the cancer has brought is being matched by the overwhelming feeling of love and support from you guys, our family and friends.  It's incredible really.  There's not a day that goes by that my mom doesn't receive a card, flowers, a visit, a phone call, or most importantly prayers.  I can't tell you how excited and amazed she is by all of your donations so far.  I love telling her about all of them, her face lights up and I can see it giving her strength.  It has given us all strength.  I feel like Superwoman these days.

I could write forever on here on how amazed I am with everyone's generosity.  We have been given generous donations to the extreme by our best friends and family.  I have seen donations come through from people I haven't seen or talked to in years, high school friends, from old friends from Harvey's (the college bar I worked at), co-workers, cancer survivors, the list goes on.

I have to share one incredible story with you though from this past weekend.  I received a Facebook message from a viewer in the Northland that I didn't know (I used to be a Sports Anchor/Reporter in the Northland) saying hello.  I responded, thanking him for the message and explaining that I would be in Duluth over the weekend to stop by Denny Anderson's (Duluth broadcasting legend) retirement party.  I explained that I also hoped to get in a long walk on the Lake Walk.  I arrived at the party on Saturday and was greeted by a woman giving me a white piece of paper, saying that her neighbor asked her to deliver this to me as he knew I would be at the party.  So, Pam handed me the folded up paper and was on her way.  I opened it up to find a note and a $100 dollar bill.  It was Rick Holt, from Hermantown.  The viewer that sent me the Facebook message a few days earlier.  He saw on my profile about participating in the 3-Day for the Cure.  Again, I sit wishing I could put the emotions I felt into words.  But I can't.  There's no describing how good it felt, again I found myself fighting my tears.  But this time the tears were tears of joy, from an act of such pure kindness.  Thank you, Rick.  I truly felt touched by God on Saturday, and He used you to do His work.

As I go to bed tonight, our team has raised just short of $3,000 ($2,965), almost 25% of our goal.  All the stories of each and every one of those donations leaves me feeling completely overwhelmed...in a great way.  I wish I could describe the feeling.  I am blown away.